Random Thought #2

“Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

The first thought that popped into my head after I saw my old friend, who I’ve had a fight with in the past, hang out with her ever growing squad. I envy her. Why does she have a lot of people and guys wanting her and being friends with her? Is it because of her looks? Is she that friendly? Possible. I have no idea. All I know is that I envy her.

Maybe it was really my fault why I don’t have friends. Maybe I was too selfish and I was not treating them right. But, at the same time, why do I feel like I was the one who was taken for granted and left alone after giving them my best efforts just to be a good friend to them.

IT IS COMPLICATED, BUT NOT REALLY.

I AM COMPLICATED.

All that has happened in the past with regards to my friends (or should I call them my ex-friends) still bother me a lot. I miss them so much, but I don’t know if I’m ready to patch things up with them. I don’t know how to. And I am still not emotionally and physically ready for that. Maybe you’re wondering why I need to be physically ready. The reason is that I want to be prepared just in case I have to kill them with my own hands. HAHA! Just kidding. Or am I? Hahaha! Naaah of course I am. The real reason is that I gained A LOT of weight and it affects me whenever someone mentions that. I mean, who doesn’t? That gives me anxiety.

I admit that I have tons of issues. Anxiety, depression, and lack of confidence are some of them. But, I am not ashamed. Because if I don’t have them, I am not as strong as I am right now. I know I still have a lot of things left to learn, but I tell you.

I am proud of what I have become. And, I can’t wait to see the tougher, wiser, and braver future me.

I Remember…

I remember day the sun shined the brightest through my window.
I looked outside and saw how it lit up everything around me,
I saw the best things that God has given to the world,
The sun’s rays touching my face, making me feel special and worthy.
The sun made me feel safe, warm, and at peace.

I remember the day the moonlight shined across the dark sky,
The clouds covering it every once in a while.
I never knew that the moon covers its loneliness with the clouds,
But its light still shining through,
Giving more beauty to the darkness that surrounds them.

I remember the day when a warm breeze touched my skin,
Making me feel like I was never alone,
Every breath I take makes me feel free,
With every blow of the wind takes my worries away with it,
Freeing my soul from all the burdens and pain it was carrying.

I remember the day I looked at my own reflection.
I saw the way how my reflection looked at me back with love.
It was the day I felt most wanted and secured,
The day I first felt I am beautiful the way I am,
The day I embraced my flaws and all that I have.

I remember the day when I felt most grateful,
So grateful that all my fears got all blurred out,
My tears washed away, my doubts set aside.

I remember the day when you came along,
That was the day I saw the sun,
The day I saw the moon,
The day I felt the breeze,
And, the day I found myself.