Random Thought #2

“Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

The first thought that popped into my head after I saw my old friend, who I’ve had a fight with in the past, hang out with her ever growing squad. I envy her. Why does she have a lot of people and guys wanting her and being friends with her? Is it because of her looks? Is she that friendly? Possible. I have no idea. All I know is that I envy her.

Maybe it was really my fault why I don’t have friends. Maybe I was too selfish and I was not treating them right. But, at the same time, why do I feel like I was the one who was taken for granted and left alone after giving them my best efforts just to be a good friend to them.

IT IS COMPLICATED, BUT NOT REALLY.

I AM COMPLICATED.

All that has happened in the past with regards to my friends (or should I call them my ex-friends) still bother me a lot. I miss them so much, but I don’t know if I’m ready to patch things up with them. I don’t know how to. And I am still not emotionally and physically ready for that. Maybe you’re wondering why I need to be physically ready. The reason is that I want to be prepared just in case I have to kill them with my own hands. HAHA! Just kidding. Or am I? Hahaha! Naaah of course I am. The real reason is that I gained A LOT of weight and it affects me whenever someone mentions that. I mean, who doesn’t? That gives me anxiety.

I admit that I have tons of issues. Anxiety, depression, and lack of confidence are some of them. But, I am not ashamed. Because if I don’t have them, I am not as strong as I am right now. I know I still have a lot of things left to learn, but I tell you.

I am proud of what I have become. And, I can’t wait to see the tougher, wiser, and braver future me.

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I Remember…

I remember day the sun shined the brightest through my window.
I looked outside and saw how it lit up everything around me,
I saw the best things that God has given to the world,
The sun’s rays touching my face, making me feel special and worthy.
The sun made me feel safe, warm, and at peace.

I remember the day the moonlight shined across the dark sky,
The clouds covering it every once in a while.
I never knew that the moon covers its loneliness with the clouds,
But its light still shining through,
Giving more beauty to the darkness that surrounds them.

I remember the day when a warm breeze touched my skin,
Making me feel like I was never alone,
Every breath I take makes me feel free,
With every blow of the wind takes my worries away with it,
Freeing my soul from all the burdens and pain it was carrying.

I remember the day I looked at my own reflection.
I saw the way how my reflection looked at me back with love.
It was the day I felt most wanted and secured,
The day I first felt I am beautiful the way I am,
The day I embraced my flaws and all that I have.

I remember the day when I felt most grateful,
So grateful that all my fears got all blurred out,
My tears washed away, my doubts set aside.

I remember the day when you came along,
That was the day I saw the sun,
The day I saw the moon,
The day I felt the breeze,
And, the day I found myself.

A Thought To Keep: Love & Be Happy

I have loved and got hurt a lot of times. I have given myself to a lot people who just took me for granted. I’ve given a lot to people who just threw everything out as if I were just a piece of trash and made me feel like unworthy of anything. I know how to get hurt and how it feels like to be unwanted.

I’m not just talking about love between the opposite sex, I’m talking about love in general.

I’ve trusted a lot of friends and treated them as if they were really my brothers and sisters. I’ve been left by those friends and felt like I’ve been used for their benefits. I got angry to them, I got disappointed, and I lost them.

I’ve felt like this my whole life.. like I would not find any friends worth keeping.. and that no one would treat me as if I’m important to them, but what I missed is that they have not done anything wrong.

I am the one who abandoned myself. I am the one who did not really loved them.

You see, love is really a strange thing. It is unexplainable, you can just feel it. Personally, I’m the type of person who gives it all when I love. I give everything I got ’till nothing is left of me. I love people and expect them to love me back, and if they don’t, I would hate myself, not them.. but myself. And that my friends, is not love. That is being selfish.

Love is something to be given without expecting something in return. And, if you think otherwise, something’s wrong.

I used to think that I was unworthy of being loved back or being appreciated. That no one ever truly loves me because I don’t see them doing everything that I am willing to do for them. I expect people to do certain things that can qualify my ideals about what genuine love is. But, I realized that I am the one who doesn’t know how to love. I am the one who doesn’t give worth to myself, and I am the one who does not love myself.

Someone told me, that loving people and expecting them to love me back the same way is what hurts me, because it shouldn’t be that way.

First, I need to love myself before anyone else does. Everyone already know this, but only a few know how to. And, that’s what everybody need to learn, and it’s hard for me. I don’t know why loving oneself is awfully hard. Is it because we know our flaws and weaknesses? But, that’s the point, right? Love is loving someone’s flaws and imperfections, too. Maybe, in reality, I still haven’t loved anyone.. including myself. But, I learned. And, that’s the best part of making mistakes, learning.

So, have you loved anyone the right way? Have you loved someone, anyone, without asking or expecting anything in return? If you already did, I’m telling you now, you are the strongest person I know. I salute you!

And, to those who love just like me. To those who love and expect. Let’s make this right. Let’s stop hurting ourselves.

Let’s make ourselves fall in love with what we see in the mirror. Smile. Do you. Love yourself like how you must love others. Self-love should not have expectations, too. Don’t expect yourself to be perfect, ’cause you’re not, and that what makes you human.

Your imperfections are what makes you beautiful. Your imperfections are what makes you unique.

Whether you’re fat, your teeth looks bad, you’re small, you’re dark skinned, etc. Remember, you are beautiful. And, you can do certain things that no one in this planet could ever do.

And above all, God made us exactly the way He wanted us to be. And, He will never.. ever.. abandon us.

Be your first love.