Random Thought #2

“Maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

The first thought that popped into my head after I saw my old friend, who I’ve had a fight with in the past, hang out with her ever growing squad. I envy her. Why does she have a lot of people and guys wanting her and being friends with her? Is it because of her looks? Is she that friendly? Possible. I have no idea. All I know is that I envy her.

Maybe it was really my fault why I don’t have friends. Maybe I was too selfish and I was not treating them right. But, at the same time, why do I feel like I was the one who was taken for granted and left alone after giving them my best efforts just to be a good friend to them.

IT IS COMPLICATED, BUT NOT REALLY.

I AM COMPLICATED.

All that has happened in the past with regards to my friends (or should I call them my ex-friends) still bother me a lot. I miss them so much, but I don’t know if I’m ready to patch things up with them. I don’t know how to. And I am still not emotionally and physically ready for that. Maybe you’re wondering why I need to be physically ready. The reason is that I want to be prepared just in case I have to kill them with my own hands. HAHA! Just kidding. Or am I? Hahaha! Naaah of course I am. The real reason is that I gained A LOT of weight and it affects me whenever someone mentions that. I mean, who doesn’t? That gives me anxiety.

I admit that I have tons of issues. Anxiety, depression, and lack of confidence are some of them. But, I am not ashamed. Because if I don’t have them, I am not as strong as I am right now. I know I still have a lot of things left to learn, but I tell you.

I am proud of what I have become. And, I can’t wait to see the tougher, wiser, and braver future me.

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