Today is my Sunday and I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow.
I talked to a peer supporter today about what’s currently going on in my head. After almost half a year, I managed not to reach out to them because I feel like I’m depending how I control my thoughts on something that isn’t permanent.
I am tired. Maybe, that’s just my brain or depression talking but I am.
I have a lot of things that I want to let go of to move on with my life, but I can’t seem to do it. I am struggling with a lot of issues like my physical appearance, trust, emotional, mental, and my fucking lack of confidence in every aspect of my life.
I am still lost. And, I don’t know how to find my way.
I don’t know who to trust or if I’ll be able to trust anyone again… nor if I want to give my trust to anyone, even my family. I know that sounds bad but I really don’t know if they will have my back.
I don’t know why I feel so incomplete although I have a lot of things to be grateful for. I have a place to stay when there’s a lot of people out there living on the streets. I have food, I have two jobs when there’s also a lot of people struggling to find one, and a lot of other things that I might not see right now but they are there.
This world fucks up people’s mind. Not really the world, but the people within in. Somehow, they made a rule about how the world should be.. how people should act and what better choices should people make. They set standards of what beauty is instead of just accepting differences.
I have lost hope in the world.. I have lost faith in god.. and I have given up on wanting to be happy. I don’t want to expect anything anymore.
I just want to be strong for now. And, that’s all I want.