October 4, 2018

Today is my Sunday and I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow.

I talked to a peer supporter today about what’s currently going on in my head. After almost half a year, I managed not to reach out to them because I feel like I’m depending how I control my thoughts on something that isn’t permanent.

I am tired. Maybe, that’s just my brain or depression talking but I am.

I have a lot of things that I want to let go of to move on with my life, but I can’t seem to do it. I am struggling with a lot of issues like my physical appearance, trust, emotional, mental, and my fucking lack of confidence in every aspect of my life.

I am still lost. And, I don’t know how to find my way.

I don’t know who to trust or if I’ll be able to trust anyone again… nor if I want to give my trust to anyone, even my family. I know that sounds bad but I really don’t know if they will have my back.

I don’t know why I feel so incomplete although I have a lot of things to be grateful for. I have a place to stay when there’s a lot of people out there living on the streets. I have food, I have two jobs when there’s also a lot of people struggling to find one, and a lot of other things that I might not see right now but they are there.

This world fucks up people’s mind. Not really the world, but the people within in. Somehow, they made a rule about how the world should be.. how people should act and what better choices should people make. They set standards of what beauty is instead of just accepting differences.

I have lost hope in the world.. I have lost faith in god.. and I have given up on wanting to be happy. I don’t want to expect anything anymore.

I just want to be strong for now. And, that’s all I want.


I’m kind of becoming a lost puppy

Hello. It’s been a while since I last posted on here. I kinda miss my good ol days.

These past few weeks, all I do is work my ass off to save money for god knows what. I can’t do anything that I want because I don’t have time to. I know that I have to make time for myself to explore hobbies and shit like that but I just don’t have it…. or want to.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want to become. All I know, is that I want to feel better… to be better.

Everyone I know back home is accomplishing something. Whether it be getting married, having their own families, doing what they like, accomplishing goals and shit like that.. while I’m here sitting in my office, typing whatever comes in my head, and posting it for the world to see my complaints that are not even make sense. I’m not gonna edit this thing, I’m just gonna type whatever I want LOL.

You see, I have no one else to talk to about this. I stopped taking my meds for my depression. I have no friends to confront my feelings to simply because I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems and also I don’t know who my real friends are.

I’m very sad and lonely. But, I can tell that this is the strongest that I have become. And, that’s good… at least I want to think of it as good. Well, whatever.

I have to go back to work now. I’ll probably make this blog a diary or something. You don’t have to open my posts btw. I’m just simply too lazy to make a new account.

See ya later,